AB (autobiography) / AB (autobiografija) / 2000

Autobiografija (AB) / Autobiography (AB) / 2000

“<…> I started to rummage through my TV recordings collection, mentally putting together several autobioraphies of mine – and it turned out that they could be put together in quite an interesting way. I quess this would be more interesting than real photo-video facts of my biography.I thought that the content of any autobiography as a text greatly depends on the fact at what point I start narrating this autobiography – where I was born, to whom I was born, or what I did at a certain time, etc.<…> Irealized that ab (autobiography) was getting too interesting for me to be put into a drawer having finished it in autumn. For me it is becoming AB, and I’m positive that I’m going to do it again in some form after ten years, and then probably after another ten years, and then again<…>”


“Literatūra ir menas” 2000 Nr. 41, 42, 43:
Parallel progressions

Aurelija Maknytė in conversation with Raimundas Malašauskas

The project ‘parallel progressions’, which features six young Vilnius-based artists – Dainius Liškevičius, Gintaras Makarevičius, Aurelija Maknytė, Darius Mikšys, Galmantas Sasnauskas and Alma Skersytė – is on display at the Contemporary Art Centre in Vilnius from 5 October to 12 November 2000. Each of the project’s participants presents a one-week-long video work in the CAC’s basement space. Based on the idea of ‘fluid art’, ‘parallel progressions’ moves beyond the limits of physical space to the media environment: each participant is introduced through various texts or interviews in cultural publications. If you wish to receive more information about this or other CAC events, please, register at info@cac.lt.
On show from 17 October is Aurelija Maknytė’s project ab, which explores the ties between personal identity, autobiography, fiction and technology. Aurelija constructs complex stories employing text, digital and analogue images, sounds, scientific discourse, fragments of TV broadcasts etc. She works like a ‘bedroom’ electronic music producer, staying in her apartment and processing all information on her computer. Presented below are fragments of our electronic correspondence, which become yet another parallel of ‘parallel progressions’.

Raimundas Malašauskas, ‘pp’ curator

Subject: follow-up
Date: Friday, 16 June, 2000
From: aura maknyte <makaura@yahoo.com>
To: raimundas malasauskas <raimundas@cac.lt>

[…] It’s so funny how it all coincided with the day when Moscow suddenly got covered with snow. That morning I found bread in my fridge (a classic instance of absent-mindedness), and the television immediately reported terrible snowfall in Moscow – there, I thought, the chief weather manager in the sky above had probably put something weird in his fridge too. Next. Why weather balloons? (A weather balloon is a free-flying hydrogen-filled rubber balloon equipped with a target to reflect radio waves). I’m mostly intrigued by the fact that it flies freely, that it is filled with hydrogen, that it has a target that works as a reflector (the latter aspect is especially fascinating – a target that you miss even if you hit it, in a sense, since it all comes back to you). Besides, the hydrogen that is inside the balloon is not such an ordinary thing. Here I have to tell this story from my childhood. I was maybe 12 or 13. I was developing photos alone in the kitchen with the blinds drawn, when suddenly sirens began to wail in the street! A wave of panic seized me, since my brother had told me about the incredibly terrifying hydrogen bombs that would leave all the buildings intact but annihilate all living things when detonated. Back then I understood his words literally and imagined that everything would just vanish without trace. Having heard the siren, I dropped the photograph and ran to the window. The sun flashed in my eyes (after all I was sitting in the dark), and it just so happened that while I was looking through the window trying to comprehend what was really going on, I didn’t see a single person. There’s nothing really strange about the fact that there are few people in a small town, and therefore not that many outdoors. But at that moment I suddenly realised that a hydrogen bomb had just exploded somewhere and all the people had vanished, and the buildings remained intact. I knew I was about to vanish too. The image of those several minutes stuck in my memory so much that I remember the slightest details visually (the photograph I was developing at that moment, with a big oak in an open field; the silhouette of the tree, resembling an explosion, blackened after I left it in the developer). And that horrifying feeling that I had gone through while waiting for my own disappearance, I think, had an influence on my relationship with the things happening around me now. […] I don’t really remember what I felt when I finally saw a person walking down the street, but I probably turned into a downright optimist at that moment. Therefore, when I caught a weather balloon by the tail, it crossed my mind: right, maybe weather balloons had been the reason behind the wailing sirens, vanishing people and my own near-disappearance, the whole entanglement of such things and so on. More to the point, currently I am trying to research hydrogen’s potential and possible applications; besides this, I am walking around with a dictaphone in hope of detecting sonic evidence of the existence of weather balloons. […] The photography exhibition ‘Can You Hear Me?’ is an intriguing combination: it appears as if this photograph is going to say something and I have to hear it. I wanted to interpret it word for word and began to imagine a sonic photograph – a rather blurry image that one would have to listen to rather than look at. I became intrigued by the state of expecting something completely different than I could expect. Never before had I thought about the mode of being of a video work itself. It’s just common to view a work as existing if it has been done already. But now I thought – although the video work is done, it is still absent in a sense, as long as the image is only buried in the videotape. My thought was inspired by the difference between the words ‘undone’ and ‘absent’ in your letter that I tried to focus on. I spotted this interesting relationship in a video work – it is done, but it is absent until it is evoked in a certain way. Perhaps, a musical piece only exists in this way until it becomes sound, but music can at least be written down as a score. Still, it is only now that I’ve realised what a strange thing video-being is. Some oddly intangible ether – after all, the image takes shape only when it is projected onto something – a wall, a screen, and so on (what a vast space for the research of the physiology and anatomy of the image!). I began to wonder if it was nevertheless possible to create a video work that one could touch with one’s fingers or that could be experienced through tactile contact. […] Next year I’m planning an intervention into the Student Art Days academic conference with Šalkauskis, I already have some topics in mind. I have taken particular interest in the apple that had been offered to Adam and then fell from Heaven straight onto Newton’s head. There’s something in it, and I’m looking for that something.

[…] When you told your childhood story about the oak left to overdevelop and the overexposed people in the street (i.e. destroyed by hydrogen), it all became very interesting. A complex autobiographical narrative emerged that could unfold in several directions. The relationship between fiction and reality is intriguing – to believe that mysterious weather balloons had caused the siren to go off and to look for their traces today. It’s an almost psychoanalytical process – to return to the traumatic experience and to analyse its causes. To be more precise – to find the agent that had caused the trauma or its image. To attempt to know and neutralise it?
There are several themes: image/non-image, visible/invisible, city/consciousness, militarism/pacifism, and autobiography as an intersection of fiction and reality, and so on. A couple of strong parallel images – overdeveloped photographic paper (i.e. an image that has vanished) and an empty town (we deal with disappearance here as well). By the way, do you remember this cartoon about the little boy who suddenly found himself completely alone in the city – a childhood dystopia that could provide some thoughts to adults too? Recently the Spanish movie Open Your Eyes was shown in Vilnius; its protagonist also finds himself in an empty city. It could be a nice short film about the empty town of Širvintos – the camera moves from the streets to shops, and apartments by the lake etc., not encountering a single living being. Yet, despite the fact that hydrogen does not damage buildings, the image of a razed city of Grozny appears.
A question: are we more concerned with the image of the weather balloon, or its (alleged or real) influence on the environment, situations, and the narratives emerging from it? I think the latter things are more interesting than the object per se. The weather balloon could become a good premise for the multi-layered plot that you are constructing. Particularly interesting is the combination of social issues and science fiction or just fiction. Fiction as a tool for cracking the social. What do you think? Do you still have the overdeveloped oak photo? […] By the way, your chosen method of appropriation (of image, sound, text) would probably fit very well with the weather balloon story. This method is also important because it expresses your artistic position fairly well: ‘I re-create, therefore I am’.

[…] Reading Foucault recently, I stumbled upon a phrase that I took out of context and saw it as a small discovery. Just three words: ‘procedure of self-decoding’. It was then that I thought about all fictional and real biographies and self-exploration as such. I started thinking about perception, comprehension and similar things, and thought that it was probably impossible to comprehend oneself, since to comprehend oneself means to comprehend one’s true and impartial self, which is perhaps essentially impossible, because even I do not know what the true and impartial me is. Probably that which could be the ‘true and impartial me’ is that which is ciphered, while that something real which I am trying to find by exploring myself is but a code, which I am bound to always get wrong, since I don’t and can’t know the procedure of encoding. This is also related to the weather balloons – I believe that what I am doing in the CAC’s basement should be true and meaningful; it must not be just fancy theatre. It’s better to do nothing at all than make mere scenery. It is also to do with my contemplation of fictional biography, which cannot be just a joke, anecdote or something like that. […]

It is interesting that through starting to think about this project at the CAC, an abundance of detours, springboards and flights have unfolded. Writing has provided a certain acceleration and direction for this. Many familiar and unfamiliar doors have opened. It’s no wonder that the motive of multiple viewpoints emerges here, which you mention while reflecting on the subject’s hierarchical structure, that is, attempts of one ‘self’ to ‘decode the context of diffused “selves”’. When someone complains to be lost among one’s ‘own selves’, one automatically states that there is one rational super-ego, the ‘knowing self’, lost among the Steppenwolf-like dis(a)ssociants. This is surely a fiction, though – when the idea of the rational policing ‘self’ is discarded, all the ‘selves’ become lost. They become parallel, equal, since there is no more internal assessing institution. It is one of the most direct roads to schizophrenia (can there be just one road to schizophrenia? There should be at least several, concurrent and running in different directions), yet, maybe only schizophrenic, split thinking is the most adequate to reality in a parallel world. A human being’s life-long effort to construct oneself as an integral, rational individual is by far the most solemn and miserable form of creativity. An elegy of utopias. […] In general, the idea of multiple viewpoints appears very interesting to me. We can keep approaching the autobiography with this idea in mind. Acquired experience and your favourite strategies can help us look at it in different ways. For instance, it can take the form of several short autobiographies based on borrowed material, or autobiographies of several people who would like to have an autobiography but unfortunately don’t (what about a newspaper ad: ‘Quick and affordable creation of autobiographies’). It’s almost like social therapy. Since you are contemplating these issues, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that your idea of an autobiography became ‘something like that’. Especially since in your case it could take the form of a certain meta-autobiographic research – after all, the ether is stuffed with un-reflected autobiographies, while you are going further.

By the way, Kavolis’ book Civilization Analysis as a Sociology of Culture contains a meaningful overview of various models of autobiography. There is also this website, a so called ‘weblog’, of this interesting artist Paul Perry (I met him in 1995 in Vilnius at the CAC, during the Dutch artists’project‘New Balance’), which acts as his totally personal, totally public notebook (after I had referred to it as a ‘diary’ in one of my letters to Paul, he published a manifesto-like post on the differences between a diary and a notebook almost the same day, giving his vote to a notebook). The website is updated daily; its themes include everything from breakfast to Sufi teachings and free software. Its URL is www.alamut.com
This weekend I had the idea of an auto-epitaph website, a virtual columbarium, where people could leave epitaphs dedicated to themselves.

[…] Your letter addresses the issue that has been haunting me for a while already – a thought about schizophrenia. My self-explorations, which later resulted in the idea of a fictional autobiography, had intensified a couple years ago. Eventually they even became obsessive. Persistent thinking often exhausts me up to this day, because I can’t manage to ‘switch my head off’ until I fall asleep. Back then I even felt that it could get out of control at some point. I came up with a sort of strategy – I had to become friends with the things that threatened to become uncontrollable and harm me. It was as if there was a diplomatic agreement with the source of my anxiety. I’d say one could even call it a strategy of flirting: if I cannot or don’t want to get rid of what makes me anxious, I keep it at bay and hold on to it at the same time, thus it is a form of flirting that enables me to feel safe enough. The result of this flirtation is a certain playground in which fictional biography and similar things emerge. I’m not sure if it’s really good, it just emerged while I was sunk in introspection, without any outside comments or opinions, thus, thanks to the CAC’s basement project, what is taking place now is a certain slow premiere of thoughts in the form of letters. There are many things in that playground I’ve mentioned which will hardly ever have their premiere – much of it is too intimate or too painful, a lot has to mature or overgrow with moss in order for me to be able to calmly play around with visual representations. Yet the temptation to do all that is huge – maybe because one can get rid of some obsessive thought only by visualising it. The saying that one is afraid only of what is invisible probably has a point. Once one sees what one is afraid of, one can work out a way of coping with it.

HYPERLINK “mailto:raimundas@cac.lt” raimundas@cac.lt:
I know perfectly well what non-stop thinking is, and your texts reflect it very well, accelerating the flow of thought and turning its steering wheel instead of slowing it down. A good damper of such brain license is a mini-player and a pair of headphones before sleep: trip-hop or BBC radio silence the hum of thoughts. Somebody probably drinks a shot or smokes a joint for the same purpose […]. The schizophrenia you’ve mentioned is related to hyper-auto-reflection, but non-stop thinking can’t help it any more than not thinking at all. Schizophrenia is not a privilege of intellectuals. However, obsessive concentration on oneself and the flow of one’s thoughts is characteristic of intellectuals. Getting intoxicated by the thought’s nauseating turns is an extreme mental sport. It is hard to avoid thinking about oneself. Every step towards individuality inspires a couple more steps, which have to be taken if one wants to continue the journey. Deconstructive self-analysis, which entails the splitting and discarding of various elements of one’s identity, results in a geometrical progression, while individuality hangs like the ever-receding horizon. A never-ending threshold to something. An overly sensitive self-tourist can be frightened by the realisation of the fact that the return to the familiar locality of the ‘self’ is impossible without transformation. Then the companion of schizophrenia – panic – comes into play, since the realisation that one will not be able to return to the community (and the return to ‘oneself’ is precisely a return to the community, a restoration of the habitual communicative powers and methods) is a very fundamental experience. ‘The fear of going insane’. It’s all very interesting. I think that the strategy of flirting (or reconciliation) is the wisest one, since it helps one avoid the panic caused by being split into multiple fragments, and, surely, it also adapts one’s acquired experience as a new element of one’s identity. Constant transformation without fear of ‘alterations of consciousness’; fluid identity covered by a web of fluid roads.
By the way, recently Scottish geneticists have announced the discovery of the schizophrenia gene. In any case, schizophrenia remains among the most mysterious objects of medicine and ‘spiritual science’. A theologian would probably argue that what is referred to as schizophrenia is not within medicine’s sphere of competence at all, and that is why it can’t explain this unfathomable phenomenon. An artist could present another version, and this is what I consider to be one of art’s principal functions – to show parallel realities and present versions of particular phenomena or problems (by the way, what Irma Stanaitytė did in her degree work on schizophrenia is very interesting).
[…] Some of my ideas are very visual (curating is just one form of activity), but I don’t think of them as art proper. It is more of an individual practice that combines elements of different activities and disciplines with the aim of transmitting or forwarding certain content.

HYPERLINK “mailto:makaura@yahoo.com” makaura@yahoo.com:
[…] Still, the more I try to realistically envisage the end result, the more difficult it is for me to see both my childhood slides and myself in it. I begin to think that I shouldn’t be present in this autobiographical work as an image (a portrait, etc.) at all. I went through my TV recordings trying to put together several autobiographies in my mind, and it actually works in quite an interesting way. I believe it would be more engaging than the real photo-video-facts of my biography. Besides, another thing that fills me with optimism is the fact that my illegal cable antenna is finally repaired (for a month my video remote control has been useless, since the antenna on the roof was in some kind of coma). So, I have swept the vacation sand off the remote controls and everything has returned to its normal state – several fresh films are now taking shape in my mind. I began cataloguing everything I had whipped from television in a separate notebook, since the stack of recorded tapes has become too tall to fit in my head. So, I hope that order and calm will reign in my home from now on! Still thinking about the prominence that Kavolis gives to the beginning and the end of an autobiography in his text, I realised that it could be an appropriate topos for the emergence of my several autobiographies. I thought that, after all, the content of an autobiography as a text depends very much on its point of departure – whether it was the place of my birth, the family I was born into, or what I had done on one day or another, and so on.
[…] Besides, I had some thoughts on how to expand my autobiographical research. This is how it went. Once I found a message from a total stranger in my email inbox. Since fairly few people know my email address, I thought that it was probably some ‘character’ who had been waiting in line for his turn to use a public internet access computer some day and read ‘makaura’ over my shoulder. The beginning of his message was quite vulgar, and I was about to press ‘delete’. The only thing that stopped me was the funny and polite closing line of the message, something like this: ‘I really, really beg you to write me a message, and a very, very beautiful one’. I thought that if this really was a person who didn’t know me, his version of my autobiography would be useful to me as well, that is, I was going to make him one of my autobiography’s authors. He approached me fairly anonymously with his own agenda, thus I could use the situation for my own interests as well. I registered a separate email account for such purposes, so that I could freely manipulate the things I was concerned with at that moment. Such a separate mailbox is certainly not my invention. I find it convenient because it maintains a safe distance between those who may misinterpret my intentions. Thus, I am trying to augment my autobiography with fragments that would be impossible if it weren’t for the thing I want to do at the CAC (I still have no idea what I should call it – a project, a work, an action, a 3D video stream or something else). It is important to me that I create these fragments not only on paper (like preparatory sketches), but experience them in reality.
I’ll try to recall one such fragment in several sentences (I still don’t have a better term for such made-up fragments). I described an evening which I tried to spend in a way that would fit my fictional biography. Therefore, I attempted to engage in totally unplanned activities; that evening it took the form of partying with music till 6am. The opening scene: my friends paint my eyes and stick a fake tattoo with a dramatic design onto my skin, and the party in a small club in Mėsinių Street begins. There’s an admission stamp on my hand reading ‘goodwillpeople’ – there is a good chance that everything is going as planned. What could be my true autobiography is but passive observation. Music relaxes me; lighting effects hypnotise me. Some guy sits down next to me, talks something and kisses my ear. He says his name is Petras, and I burst out with laughter: he could just as well have said that he was Lithuanian. I tell him that I am Aura, and start laughing again, since that could probably be understood in the same way that I understood ‘Petras’. I’m not lying, but I present the truth as a lie, which is very close to what I’m trying to do with the fictional autobiography. Except… a certain portion of untruth could be one of the options for writing an autobiography. After all, everything other people (who don’t know me) will mention as the facts of my biography, will be merely their own interpretation (not really a lie, but not the truth either). This is exactly why this artificially constructed fragment of my autobiography was also useful in the sense of enabling me to expand the circle of people who don’t know me and with whom I can productively communicate, creating my fictional/non-fictional autobiography. The aforementioned Petras, with whom I had made an agreement regarding the email, will be of use here. Another interesting fragment of that night: we are dancing, I turn around and see a video camera watching my every move; for a moment I associated it with myself – after all, at the time I was also observing myself from the side, capturing my actions and trying to find out if there were points in which my real biography intersected with the fragment of the biography I was trying to construct. The coordinates of the new email account created for the purpose of autobiographic research are going to appear in the newspaper this week already, and then it will be clearer where it can lead me. It may be that very few people will become interested in the offer to create an autobiography for me – an anonymous email account, that is. It will be useful in every case (right now a thought about the situation of a priest crossed my mind – that’s who’s a real collector of biographies; I thought about a virtual priest, since such a depersonalised – in a positive sense – priest would probably be much closer to God). By the way, your idea of a virtual columbarium and Perry’s website suggested the concept of an online autobiography club – perhaps not an open-access one, but one that functions as a mailing list: one submits one’s autobiography and receives the autobiographies of everyone who had submitted theirs; that would be a fair exchange.

HYPERLINK “mailto:raimundas@cac.lt” raimundas@cac.lt:
[…] The internet’s involvement in this whole affair is a new step. And a very wide one, because it is precisely virtual identity that further multiplies the relationships between fiction and reality. For instance, I also have several email accounts and I sincerely submit my true name and surname every time. Yet they become a fiction when they are typed in, since who knows whether they are a pseudonym or not. Thus I’m curious how other people will construct your biography (which they undoubtedly, but latently, do anyway) on the internet or elsewhere. ‘An attempt to construct one’s autobiography is related to freedom in a strange way.’ This idea in your email intrigued me. To create one’s autobiography – to come loose from foreign elements, the Other, to define one’s territory – maybe that’s how one comes to experience freedom.
You wrote: ‘The more I try to realistically envisage the end result, the more difficult it is for me to see both my childhood slides and myself in it.’ Indeed, one can comprehend oneself via another person (alter ego), another image, another text. And what is ‘one’s self in general’? One perceives oneself only through the other: that is, through the aforementioned feeling of freedom, the rejection of foreign elements, individuation, or, conversely, the feeling of freedom experienced when one lets go of the imperatives and attributes of individuality and delves into collective identity (think football championship here). A TV-being perceives oneself only through another TV-being.
‘After all, the content of an autobiography as a text depends very much on its point of departure – whether it was the place of my birth, the family I was born into, or what I had done on one day or another, and so on.’
Good idea. I can already imagine five or six TV monitors showing differently assembled versions of your project ab. We can also think about some points in the future (since you do like science fiction) that serve as points of departure for one of the versions of ab. Or maybe determine to what extent those several points are: personal (a birth, for example), Lithuanian (13 January, for example), European (the fall of the Berlin Wall, for example), human in general (the Sun above our heads) etc. Are these points arranged in lines or as a network? Several abs presented simultaneously – that is parallelism at its purest. Fragmented and synchronised linear narrative of one’s life. Several abs conveyed through appropriated images? Versions of ab that interconnect? Could one also travel from one version to another through images, sounds, words, situations, mise-en-scenes? A hyper-textual ab principle: you click on a word and find yourself in another text – in this case, another short film? Your concept has inspired many different thoughts. By the way, I believe that last year they showed the film Sliding Doors, in which Gwyneth Paltrow travels along two different curves emerging from the same situation simultaneously, since in one version she catches the train and in the other one she doesn’t. Unfortunately, I didn’t see the film, but heard some people commenting on it. Or: let’s remember the theories of karma and reincarnation. If we reject their linear nature, we will be able to perceive our different lives as synchronous and parallel. That is, you are living your other lives now, but in a different time dimension. For example, sometimes I hear a voice talking about football in Russian in my head, and that prompts me to suspect that I am a football coach somewhere in Russia now (or maybe in, say, 1962). In order to draw my parallel autobiographies, I should probably film a football coach somewhere in Russia or create him. And so on. If you have time, watch Terry Gilliam’s Twelve Monkeys – the idea of parallel time is introduced extremely well in it. Your current idea could be a solid basis for realising a multitude of your abs. The internet part that you have started to build could be useful here as well, I think. So much for now. Let me know how your self-conception has changed over these days.

[…] Regarding anonymity and the mailboxes. I named my special account ‘mybiography’ (it is interesting that when I tried to name it ‘autobiography’, I learned that such an account already exists on yahoo.de and I can’t help the desire to find out why someone had chosen such a name for his or her account – all I need to do is to write a short non-Lithuanian text-inquiry) and provided ‘mybiography’ as my name and surname too. I’ll probably repeat myself by saying that I don’t provide my real name for considerations of a safe distance – I don’t think that it is too difficult to find the record ‘A. Maknytė’ in the phone book, thus I will avoid possible unwanted calls (after I had placed an ad in the newspaper while looking for a job some time ago, I got a pretty good idea of what phone terror was). Besides, there was another important reason for not giving out my real name and surname. I didn’t want to make my gender clear – I was simply curious if such androgynous secrecy would change the potential sender’s relationship with the mailbox named ‘mybiography’. One example – when I was looking for samples of autobiographies on the internet, I noticed that they were mostly autobiographies of men. I think the reason for this is very simple – men are more apt at working with computers. My brother once made a conclusion (and I almost agree with him) that it is more difficult for women to communicate with computers because the latter was created by men, whose logic (and thus, by extension, computer logic) is of a totally different structure than female logic. So, when I found one guy’s website, I started reading his unbelievably long autobiography. I reasoned that he must have really enjoyed writing and politely asked him if he could write at least a short biography for me too. He answered more-or-less like this: ‘Hey man, unfortunately, I don’t have time for such things.’ Therefore, even if he had written something, it would have been a man’s biography. I wrote back and thanked him for at least openly saying that he didn’t want to engage in it. Then, when he understood that I was a ‘hey girl’ instead of a ‘hey man’, he wrote back hoping that contact was possible. Damn. I should probably come to terms with the fact that it isn’t that simple to establish pure businesslike communication. Thus your thought about the exchange principle in relationships is absolutely accurate. Indeed, a relationship that is not based on exchange is probably not a relationship at all. Only things like clouds can be totally neutral in relationship to me when I am looking at them, but the cloud itself really doesn’t care. To a cloud, my relationship with it isn’t a relationship at all.
Coming back to the androgynous mailbox – I think that my experience with it will be more useful for the presentation (or whatever you might call the Tuesday 17 October event), but there is still some time, so I hope the mailbox will present me with more interesting things. […]
I liked your word ‘self-conception’. And the question ‘how has your self-conception changed?’ Is one’s self-conception bound to permanent changing? I remembered some (probably a writer’s) phrase that stuck in my head back in high school: ‘The more you observe others, the better you see yourself’, or something like that. There was an analogy too: a human is like a mirror; you look at the other and see yourself. I’ve thought about the case of hermits – escaping everyone else in search of oneself. As if there is an unwillingness to see oneself in others. In a word, a vast space for omnifarious ideas. One has to live ten lives (or even ten ‘times’, like in a folktale) to better understand oneself (or perhaps, the deeper into the forest you go, the more trees you find…) By the way, the thing with multiple lives: I can tell you as a football coach that back when I still lived in Širvintos I was absolutely sure that in one of my lives I had been a wild horse… It’s interesting that you hear some words. Maybe one’s mind can sometimes work as a radio receiver (or a TV set, for that matter). Many times I caught myself switching to the right TV channel when it was showing something particularly important to me at that moment. Some TV-intuition or maybe just a coincidence. By the way, my son once said: ‘Back when I was a girl, I could see myself…’ I tried to question him further, but that was all that I learned. Maybe he also mentioned that he probably didn’t have a mother then, only a grandmother. It is strange all this. As for non-stop thinking (yes, ‘brain license’ is probably the best possible term for that…). Music usually doesn’t help me, so before falling asleep I just surf TV channels, find the most boring film (preferably halfway through the plot) and start watching it. Once I’m already just blankly staring at the screen instead of watching it, boredom ‘switches off’ my mind. A shot usually has an opposite effect on me, and more than 100cl triggers an avalanche of thoughts that are usually too chaotic to be of any value. So, actually the wine that is always present in my fridge just satisfies my sweet tooth, because it’s sweet dessert wine.
[…] I realised that the subject of ab becomes too interesting for me to put it all into the drawer once the project is finished in autumn. It actually becomes just AB, and I know that I will do it again in some form after a decade or so, and then again and again later, until I become totally bored or tired with myself. Because this whole ab process already becomes too wide reaching to have a single concrete form in a single concrete spot. I hope a decade will be enough for this whole thing – that made me hesitate about realising the project this year – to mature. Okay, now I have become curious myself: how would I do all this (ab) ten years later? It is obvious that I would do everything differently in ten years – this is where the fun part of doing (‘creation’ would sound suspicious here) starts.
[…] You wrote about five to six monitors, while my mind’s greedy eyes saw around ten of them… It may be that the more monitors are used, the less prominent the autobiographies shown will be (if there are just two monitors, then the relationship of the intercommunicating autobiographies would probably be emphasised too much, while a single monitor would probably claim to be the one and only and ‘righteous’ one). I believe that the monitors should be arranged in a way that won’t give any hints as to which monitor should be the starting point (each of them should show their own beginning and ending), since so far I am convinced that every monitor should present a different version of the autobiography (different points of departure should dictate different scenarios). The relationship of all the abs in the monitors is essential.

HYPERLINK “mailto:raimundas@cac.lt” raimundas@cac.lt:
[…] As I already mentioned, I suggest that you make a presentation about what you are researching (the form is for you to choose: performance, academic lecture, TV game, etc.) for the basement this autumn. The presentation can be a part of the video work and video work can be a part of the presentation. À la ‘autobiography studies’. Maybe that will become an informal and somewhat meaningful, and, at the same time, entertaining discussion. How are you? What stage are you at now?

HYPERLINK “mailto:makaura@yahoo.com” makaura@yahoo.com:
[…] I got the video processing software and it established itself on my computer almost without any problems; now I’m sitting in front of the screen with such a smile on my face. […]
Well, it was probably for a good reason that there was this text in Russian on the package: ‘We congratulate YOU on a SUCCESSFUL PURCHASE!!!’ I feel fantastic (almost heavenly…). I thought – if God really had created the world in seven days, he must have had a computer. Having in mind that the things that happen around me sometimes don’t look like reality at all, I think that the software that had been installed on that world creation computer must be the same which is now accessible to everyone… It’s a damn favourable time. In general, I feel unreal, as if I was someone’s dream. My environment becomes increasingly virtual too. It is increasingly easier for me to plug-in to my ab not as a project but as my actual ab. I myself as the Aurelija that can be touched physically am but a tool that records the real ab of the virtual (although there should be a better word for unreality of this kind) Aurelija. The process seems to be clear – the ab is acquiring a visual guise. (At the moment, though, the aforementioned tool is struggling with the technological nuances of video montage…)

First published in the cultural weekly Literatūra ir menas, 13, 20 and 27 October 2000

“ŠMC nuo spalio 5 iki lapkricio 12 d. rodomas projektas “paralelines progresijos”, kuriame dalyvauja sesi jauni Vilniaus menininkai.

Spalio 17 d. pradedamas rodyti Aurelijos Maknytes projektas “ab”, kuriame nagrinejami asmenines tapatybes, autobiografijos, fikcijos ir technologiju saitai. Aurelija konstruoja sudetines istorijas, pasitelkdama teksta, skaitmenini ir analogini vaizda, garsus, mokslini diskursa, TV srauto fragmentus ir kita. ji dirba kaip elektronines muzikos gamintoja, “neiseidama is miegamojo” ir apdorodama informacija savo kompiuteryje. Zemiau pateikiami mudvieju susirasinejimo elektronineje erdveje fragmentai, tampantys dar viena “paraleliniu progresiju” paralele.
Raimundas Malasauskas, “pp” kuratorius.

Subject: tesinys
Date: Penktadienis 16 birzelio, 2000
From: aura maknyte <makaura@yahoo.com>
To:raimundas malasauskas <raimundas@cac.lt>

[…]Visa taip juokingai sutapo su ta diena, kai netiketai Maskva apsnigo. Ta ryta savo saldytuve radau duona [klasikinis issiblaskymo atvejis] ir TV tuoj pat pranese apie baisius sniegus Maskvoje – na va, pagalvojau, vyriausias oru tvarkytojas danguje irgi turbut kazką neteisingai idejo i savo saldytuva. Toliau. Kodel radiopilotai? [radiopilotas – laisvai skraidantis guminis kamuolys, pripildytas vandenilio, aprupintas taikiniu radio bangoms atspindeti] Man idomiausia, kad jis laisvai skraido, kad pripildytas vandenilio, kad turi taikini, kurio tikslas -atspindeti [cia apskritai idomi vieta – taikinys, i kuri pataikes, lyg ir nepataikai, nes viska gauni atgal] Be to, ir vandenilis, esantis viduje, nera toks paprastas dalykas. Cia turiu papasakot toki vaikystes atsitikima. Man gal kokiu 12-13 m. buvo. Uzsitemdziusi virtuves langa, viena dariau nuotraukas. Staiga lauke eme klykti sirenos! Mane apeme baisi panika, mat brolis man buvo pasakojes apie tokias neitiketinai baisias vandenilines bombas, kurios sprogdamos visiskai nesugriauna jokiu pastatu, bet sunaikina zmones ir visa, kas gyva. Tada as tai supratau tiesiog pazodziui – galvojau, kad visa tai tiesiog isnyksta be pedsaku. Isgirdusi sirena, meciau fotografija, puoliau prie lango. Saule kaip reikiant plieke i akis [juk sedejau tamsoje] ir taip jau sutapo, kad kol ziurejau pro langa.bandydama suvokti, kas gi is tikruju cia vyksta, nemaciau nei vieno zmogaus. Nenuostabu, kad nedideliam miestelyje zmoniu maziau ir todel vaiksto ju irgi ne tiek daug. Bet tada as staiga suvokiau, kad kazkur sprogo vandeniline bomba ir todel visi zmones isnyko, o pastatai liko sveiki. Zinojau, kad tuoj isnyksiu ir as. Tu keliu minuciu vaizdelis taip ryskiai isispaude man i smegenine, kad vizualiai pamenu viska iki smulkmenu (nuotrauka, kuria tada dariau – su dideliu azuolu laukymeje; tas azuolo siluetas, primenantis sprogima, paliktas ryskintis, pajuodo]. O tas siaubingas jausmas, kuri tada patyriau, laukdama savo isnykimo, manau turejo itakos mano santykiams su tuo, kas vyksta aplink mane. […] Kai tada pro langa pamaciau praeinant zmogu, dabar jau nelabai pamenu, ka jauciau, bet manau, kad tapau baisia optimiste. Taigi, kai pagavau uz uodegos radiopilota, pamaniau: aha, turbut tada radiopilotai ir buvo kalti, kad suveike kazkokia sirena, kad zmones isnyko, kad vos neisnykau ir as, kad i kruva susipyne tokie nesuderinami dalykai ir tt. Jeigu rimciau, tai siuo metu bandau tiksliau issiaiskinti vandenilio galimybes ir visas paskirtis, be to, vaikstau su diktofonu ir bandau pagauti garsinius radiopilotu egzistavimo irodymus. […] O fotografijos paroda “ar girdi mane?”- toks intriguojantis derinukas: atrodo, kad ta fotografija kazka pasakys ir as tureciau tai isgirsti. Pasidare idomu suprasti tai pazodziui – ėmiau isivaizduoti įgarsinta fotografija – kazkoki ne per daug aisku vaizda, prie kurio prikisu ne aki, o ausi, ir isgirstu garsus. Pasidare smalsu tiketis kazko visai kito, negu galeciau tiketis. Niekada anksciau nesu pagalvojus apie paties videodarbo buvimo būdą. Tiesiog iprasta, kad jeigu jau darbas padarytas, tai jis ir yra. O dabar pagalvojau – juk videodarbas nors padarytas, bet jo kaip ir nera, kol vaizdas gludi tik juosteleje. Taip pagalvojau, kai tavo laiske pabandziau atidziau isiziureti i zodziu “nepadarytas” ir “nesantis ” skirtumus. Iziurejau kazkoki idomu santyki apskritai videodarbe – padarytas, bet nesantis, kol tam tikru budu nepazadinamas. Gal tik muzikos kurinys panasiu principu buna, kol nesuskamba, bet juk muzika nors natomis galima uzrasyti . Vis delto tik dabar susimasciau, koks tai keistas dalykas – videobuvimas. Kazkoks keistai neapciuopiamas eteris, juk vaizdas susikuria tik ten, i ka atsiremia – siena, ekrana, monitoriu ir tt. (kokia erdve apskritai vaizdo fiziologijos ir anatomijos tyrimui!) Emiau galvoti, o gal, vis delto, imanoma padaryti videodarba, kuri kazkokiu budu imanoma paciupineti tikra to zodzio prasme, tiesiog pirstais, arba toki, kuris tiesiog ir turi buti suvokiamas lieciant. […] Kitais metais planuoju invazija i SMD moksline konferencija tiesiog su Salkauskiu, turiu numacius temu rata, ypac susidomejau obuoliu,. kuris kazkada buvo pasiulytas Adomui, o poto iskrito is rojaus ir nukrito tiesiai Niutonui ant galvos. Kazkas tame yra, taigi ieskau to kazko.

Kai papasakojai vaikystes istorija apie perlaikyta ryskale azuola ir perryskintus, t.y. vandenilio sunaikintus zmones gatvese, tapo labai idomu. Atsirado sudetinis autobiografinis naratyvas, kuris gali vyniotis keliomis kryptimis drauge. Intriguojantis
santykis tarp fikcijos ir tikrovės – manyti, kad sirena sukele paslaptingi radiopilotai, ir ieskoti ju pedsaku siandien. Vos ne psichoanalitinis procesas – grizti ir analizuoti trauminiu isgyvenimu priezastis. Tiksliau, surasti trauminiu isgyvenimu sukeleja, arba jo vaizdini. Bandyti ji pazinti ir tuo būdu neutralizuoti?
Kelios temos: vaizdo – nevaizdo, matomo – nematomo, miesto – sąmonės, militarizmo – pacifizmo, autobiografijos kaip fikcijos ir realybes sankirtos, ir t.t. Keli stiprus vaizdiniai – tuscio miesto (pameni multifilmą apie berniuka, kuris staiga atsidure vienut vienas mieste – vaikiska distopija, apie kuria gali daug sneketi ir suaugusieji, – neseniai Vilniuje sukosi ispanu filmas ‘atmerk akis’, kurio pagrindinis herojus taip pat
atsiduria tusciame mieste – galetu buti neblogas filmukas apie tuscias Sirvintas – kamera eina is gatves i parduotuves ir butus prie ezero etc, nesutikdama jokio gyvio. Dar, nepaisant vandenilio tolerancijos pastatams, iskyla sugriauto Grozno vaizdinys.),
perryskintas fotopopierius.
Klausimas – ar mums labiau rupi radiopiloto vaizdinys, ar jo (tariama – reali) itaka aplinkai, kile situacijos, is to plaukiantys naratyvai? Man atrodo, cia idomiau pasukutinieji dalykai, o ne pats objektas kaip toks, t.y. radiopilotas. Radiopilotas gali tapti gera kelialypio siuzeto, kuri tu konstruoji, salyga. Itin domina derinys tarp socialinės problamatikos ir mokslinės fantastikos, arba tiesiog fikcijos. Fikcija kaip budas praskleisti sociuma. Kaip atrodo tau? Ar tebeturi perryskinto azuolo nuotrauka? […] Beje, tavo pasirinktas pasisavinimo metodas (vaizdo, garso, teksto) turbut galetu puikiai suveikti ir radiopilotu istorijoje. Sis metodas dar svarbus ir tuo, kad jis gana artikuliuotai isreiskia tavo pozicija menines praktikos atzvilgiu – “(per-, pri-) kuriu, vadinasi esu”.

[…] Neseniai skaitinedama M.Fuko, radau fraze, kuria istraukiau is konteksto kaip nediduką atradimą sau paciai. Tik 3 zodeliai -“saves issifravimo procedura”. Tada pagalvojau apie visokias fiktyvias ir tikras biografijas ir siaip apie knisimasi po save. Emiau galvoti apie suvokima, supratima, visokius kitokius panasius dalykus ir pamaniau, kad suprasti save turbut neimanoma, nes suprasti save tai turbut reiskia suprasti tikra ir teisinga save, o tai turbut is esmes nera imanoma, nes as ir pati nezinau, kas yra tikra ir teisinga as. Turbut tai, kas galetu buti “tikra ir teisinga as”, ir yra uzsifruota, o tai, ka bandau surasti tikro, besiknisdama savyje, tera tik sifras, kuri bandydama issifruoti, visada klystu, nes nezinau ir negaliu zinoti issifravimo proceduros. Tai susije ir su radiopilotais – manau, kad tai, ka darau SMC rusy, turi buti tikra ir netuscia, tai neturi buti tik dailus teatras. Jau geriau nedaryti nieko, negu daryti tik dekoracijas. Tai susije ir su galvojimu apie fiktyvia autobiografija, kuri negali buti tik juokas, anekdotas ar dar kas nors panasaus. […]

Idomu, kad atsivere tokia apylanku, tramplinu ir skrydziu gausa, pradejus mastyti apie projekta SMC. Rasymas tam suteike tam tikra pagreiti ir daugiakryptiškuma. Idomus procesas, atidarantis daug pazistamu ir nepazistamu duru. Nenuostabu, kad cia atsiranda matymo daugiastaskiskumo motyvas, kuri palieti, kalbedama apie subjekto hierarchinę struktūrą, t.y. vieno “as” bandymus “desifruoti issklidusius “as” konteksta”. Kai kažkas skundžiasi pasiklydęs tarp “savuju as”, jis automatiskai implikuoja vieno racionalaus supereginio “žinančio aš” buvima, kuris pasiklydo tarp stepvilkisku di(a)sociantu ir tai supranta. Taciau, be abejo, tai fikcija – atmetus racionalaus policinio “as” ideja, visi “as” pasiklysta. Jie tampa paraleliniai, lygiaverciai, nes nebera vidines vertinancios institucijos. Tai – vienas is tiesiausiu keliu i sizofrenija (ar gali buti vienas kelias i sizofrenija? turi buti maziausiai keli, susikertantys ir skirtakrypciai)… taciau galbut paraleliniame pasaulyje tik sizofreninis, suskiles mastymas adekvaciausias realybei. Ilgos zmogaus pastangos sukonstruoti save kaip vientisa, racionalu individa yra bene pati rimciausia ir liudniausia kuryba. Utopijų elegija.
[…] Siaip, ziuros daugiastaskiskumo ideja man atrodo labai idomi. Juolab, daugiastaskiskumo praktika. Galime su sia ideja arteti prie autobiografijos. Nueitas kelias ir tavo megstamos strategijos gali padeti i ja pazvelgti ivairiai. Pavyzdziui, gali buti kelios tavo pacios trumpos autobiografijos, gristos svetima medziaga. Gali buti keliu zmoniu autobiografijos, kurie nori tureti autobiografija, bet, deja, neturi (pvz., skelbimas laikrastyje: “greitai ir pigiai sukuriu autobiografija”. Beveik socialterapiska). Kadangi tuos klausimus svarstai, nenustebciau, jeigu autobiografijos ideja vienaip ar kitaip taptu ‘kazkuo tuo’. Juolab, tavo atveju tai galetu tapti ir tam tikrais metautobiografiniais tyrinejimais – juk nereflektuotu, neperzengtu autobiografiju
prifarsiruotas eteris, o tu keliauji toliau.
Beje, Kavolio knygoje “Civilizaciju analize” (Baltos lankos, 1998), aptarinejami skirtingi autobiografijos modeliai; dar yra vieno šaunaus menininko Paul Perry (1995 m. susipazinau su juo Vilniuje, kai jis dalyvavo New Balance olandu projekte smc) interneto svetaine, vadinamasis weblog, kuris veikia kaip visiskai asmenine-visiskai viesa Paul uzrasu knygute (kai viename savo laiske jam tai ivardijau ‘dienorasciu’, Paul beveik ta pacia diena internete apibudino dienorascio ir uzrasu knygutes skirtumus, likdamas prie pastarosios). Puslapis atnaujinamas kasdien, temos – nuo pusryciu per sufiju mokymu iki nemokamos programines irangos. Paverciau si puslapi savo narsyklės namais. Adresas www.alamut.com Patikrink archyvą, jeigu turesi laiko. Savaitgali i galva atejo autoepitafijų svetainė internete, virtualus kolombariumas, kuriame zmones galetu palikti epitafijas, skirtas sau. Turetu buti visai idomu.
Savo tekstine praktika dazniausiai ivardiju ‘paralelinemis progresijomis’. Vienas idomiausių drum&bass dj. LTJ Bukem leidzia albumu serija ‘Logical Progressions’. Taigi, kazkiek ji nusamplavau. Paralelines todel, kad dalis tekstu yra rasyta apie jau egzistuojancius tekstus (t.y. menininku kurinius) ir todel, kad bet kokia tekstinė praktika (rašymas) sekretuoja paralelinius pasaulius. Cia prisilieciame prie sci-fi, bet po mineta paralelizmo savoka norint galima nesunkiai pakisti ir kuratorystes praktikos samprata. Hans Ulrich Obrist kuratoriu apibrezia kaip katalizatoriu. Neisvengiamai iskyla mokyklinis rafinuoto cukraus gabaliuko vaizdelis, kuris, aprengtas pelenais ir padegtas, leidzia siaip nedegiems pelenams degti, pats nesudegdamas. Arba “deguonis nedega, bet palaiko degima”. Taigi ir as siuo atveju megaujuosi ne galimu pasauliu sekretavimu, bet galimu pasauliu sekretavimo palaikymu, vyniodamasis kazkur paraleliai. Paralelizmas neturi hierarchijos. Jeigu pradedi samones ir pasamones dialektika suvokti nedialektiskai, ir atsisakai moralines geometrijos (kas “aukstai”, o kas “zemai”), tada pasamone negludi po samone kaip koks metaforinis rusys ar triumas, bet yra salia, arba cia, samoneje, ir atvirksciai; arba saveikauja kaip oro molekuleje deguonis ir aglies dvideginis (ne visiskai tikslus palyginimas, daugiau iliustruojantis pati saveikavima, o ne jo buda).
Tiesa pasakius, tavo tekste iskyla tema, kuri man jau senokai buvo sukelusi nerima – mintis apie sizofrenija. Gal pries kokiu pora metu buvo ypac suintensyveje mano knaisiojimai po savo “as”, veliau sugenerave minti apie fikcine autobiografija. Tie knaisiojimai buvo tape tokie idomus, kad po kurio laiko tapo kazkuria prasme ikyrus. Galvojimas non stop ir dabar mane daznai tiesiog nuvargina, nes nesugebu isjungti galvos, kol neuzmiegu. O tada netgi buvau pajutusi, kad visa tai vis dazniau turi tendencija tapti nekontroliuojama. Tas pats neissijungiantis galvojimas tada man ir pagelbejo. Susikuriau lyg ir strategija -su tuo, kas turi tendencija tapti nekontroliuojama ir gali man pakenkti, reikia susidraugauti. Tai buvo tarytum toks diplomatinis susitarimas su tuo, kas man kele nerima. Sakyciau, tai galima pavadinti flirto strategija, o butent – jeigu negaliu arba nenoriu atsikratyti to, kas man kelia nerima, tai as to ir neprisileidziu ir nepaleidziu, taigi tai ir yra savotiskas flirtas, leidziantis man jaustis pakankamai saugiai. Tokio flirto rezultatas – tam tikras zaidimu laukas, kuriame ir atsiranda fikcine biografija ar panasus dalykai. Nezinau, ar visa tai gerai, tiesiog tai atsirado verdant savo sultyse, be jokiu komentaru ar nuomoniu is salies, taigi rusio projekto deka dabar ir vyksta tokia savotiska leta minciu premjera laisku pavidale. Tas minetas mano zaidimu laukas talpina nemazai dalyku, kuriu premjera kazi ar kada nors ivyks – daug kas per daug intymu arba per skaudu – daug kas turi kazkaip subresti arba tiesiog apaugti kerpemis, kad ramiai imciau visu tuo zaisti vizualiai.Bet pagunda visa tai padaryti yra ziauriai didele – galbut todel, kad tam tikru ikyriu galvojimu galima atsikratyti, tik juos vizualizavus. Turbut neveltui sakoma, kad bijomasi tik to, kas yra nematoma. Kai pamatai akimis tai, ko bijai, suvoki , kaip su visu tuo susitvarkyti.
[…] Tiesa, o tavo kalbejimas apie kuratoriu kaip katalizatoriu, apie paralelizma – labai idomu ir visiskai man negirdeta. Cukraus gabalelis ir kiti palyginimai, ir, vis delto, ar imanoma visada palaikyti degima, o paciam likti nepakitus? Jei manes neapgauna atmintis, tai esi ne tik kitu degima palaikes – kazkada maciau vizualius sumanymus, jei neklystu, kuriu autorius pats ir esi?

Puikiai zinau, kas yra ‘galvojimas non stop’, o tavo tekstai ji gerai atspindi, ne stabdydami, bet greitindami minties eiga ir sukiodami jos vaira. Geras tokios smegenu saviveiklos slopintuvas, jeigu reikia, – mini grotuvas ir ausines pries miega: trip hop’as arba BBC Radio laipsniskai nutildo minciu duzgesi. Kas nors, turbut, ikala 100 gr arba sutraukia kanapių sukinį, bet toki buda, turbut, reikia praktikuoti daug metu. Tavo mineta sizofrenija susijusi su hiper-autoreflektyvumu, bet galvojimas non stop jai gali padeti lygiai tiek pat, kiek ir negalvojimas. Sizofrenija nera intelektualu privilegija. Taciau įkyrus demesys sau ir savo minties eigai intelektualams budingas. Svaiginimasis minties virazais ir staigiais posukiais, nuo kuriu fiziskai pykina – ekstremalus minties sportas. Sunku isvengti minciu apie save. Kiekvienas zingsnis savasties link atveria dar pora zingsniu, kuriuos reikia zengti norint testi kelione. Dekonstuktyvioje autorefleksijos eigoje, skylant ir atsiskiriant subjekto identiteto elementams, atsiranda geometrines progresijos momentas, o savastis kabo kaip nuolat nutolstantis horizontas. Nesibaigiantis slenkstis i kazka. Jautresnis autoturistas gali issigasti, suprates, kad nepakitus grizimas i iprasta ‘as’ vietove nebeimanomas. Tada isijungia sizofrenijos palydove panika, nes izvalga, kad nebegalesi grizti i bendrija (o grizimas i ‘save’ – tai ir yra grizimas i bendrija, iprastu komunikacijos galiu ir budu susigrazinimas) – labai fundamentalus isgyvenimas. “Baime isproteti”. Visa tai idomu. Man atrodo, flirto (arba susitaikymo) strategija tokiose patirtyse – ismintingiausia, nes padeda isvengti multiskilinejimo sukeliamos panikos, ir, be abejo, adaptuoja nueita kelia ir patirti kaip nauja savasties dali. Nuolatine transformacija, nebijant ‘negriztamu samones pakitimu’. Takus identitetas, israizgytas takiais takais.
Tiesa, neseniai skotu tyrinetojai paskelbe atrade sizofrenijos gena. Kaip ten bebutu,
sizofrenija tebera vienas paslaptingiausiu medicinos ir ‘sielos mokslo’ objektu. Teologas, galbut, pasakytu, kad tai, kas ivardijama sizofrenija – visai ne medicinos reikalas, todel ji ir negali paaiskinti neimenamojo reiskinio. Menininkas gali iskelti dar papildoma versija (beje, idomu tai, ka padare Irma Stanaitytė. savo diplominiame darbe).

Vis delto, kuo realiau bandau pamatyti galutinio rezultato israiska, tuo labiau
joje nematau nei savo vaikystes skaidres, nei apskritai saves. Imu manyti, kad manes, kaip vaizdo (portreto ir tt.) tame darbe apie autobiografija neturi buti. Emiau knistis po savo irasu is TV kolekcija, mintyse deliodama kelias autobiografijas- ir jos , pasirodo, visai idomiai deliojasi. Manau, butu idomiau nei tikri mano biografijos foto-video faktai. Be to, optimizmo cia man ipute ir tai, kad pagaliau pataisyta mano nelegalioji kabeline (menesi laiko mano video pultelis merdejo be darbo,nes antena ant stogo buvo istikusi kazkokia koma). Taigi, dabar jau nuo pulteliu nupustas atostogu smeliukas ir viskas sugrizo i savo vezes – mintyse deliojasi keli sviezi filmukai. I spec. sasiuvinuka emiau tiksliai inventorizuoti viska, ka turiu nusvilpus is TV, nes irasytu kaseciu eilute jau perdaug ilga, kad tilptu I mano galva. Taigi, tikiuosi, mano namuose isivyraus tvarka ir ramybe! Vis galvodama apie autobiografiju pradziu ir pabaigu sureiksminima (Kavolio tekste), pamaniau, kad cia ir atsiranda vieta, naudinga keliu mano autobiografiju atsiradimo logikai. Pamaniau, kad bet kokios autobiografijos, kaip teksto, turinys visdelto labai priklauso nuo to, nuo kokio tasko imu pasakoti ta autobiografija – ar nuo to, kur gimiau, ar nuo to, pas ka gimiau, ar nuo to, ka tada ir tada padariau, ir tt. Vel aciu tau uz Kavolio raides.
[…] Atsirado minciu, susijusiu su galimybemis praplesti savo biografinius – autobiografinius tyrinejimus. O buvo taip. Syki savo e-pašto dėžutėje aptikau visiskai nepazistamo piliecio zinute. Kadangi siaip jau mano emaila zino labai minimalus skaicius zmoniu, tai pamaniau – kazkoks veikejas, kazkada laukes savo eiles prisesti prie vieso interneto, per peti nuskaite mano makaura. Ta jo siusta zinute prasidejo vulgarokai, taigi jau buvau ja pazymejus varnele, pries spaudziant “delete”. Sulaike tik linksmai mandagi zinutes pabaiga, kazkaip tai “labai prasau prasau, parasyk man zinute ir labai labai grazia”. Pagalvojau, kad jeigu, vis delto, tai zmogus, tikrai manes nepazistantis, tai butu naudingas ir jo variantas, t.y. pamaniau – padarysiu ji savo autobiografijos vieno is variantu kureju. Jis mete man kabliuka savo tikslais, taigi ir as galiu savanaudiskai numesti kabliuka. Pasidariau specialu emaila, kuris pakankamai anonimiskas, kad leistu man laisvai manipuliuoti tuo, kas siuo metu man reikalinga. Tokia atsiskyrusi pasto dezute, manau, ne mano isradimas. Man ji siuo atveju patogi tuo, kad palieka pakankamai saugu atstuma tarp manes ir kazko, kas gali ne taip suprasti mano tikslus. Taigi – prie savo autobiografijos bandau prikurti tokius autobiografinius fragmentus, kuriu is tikruju nebutu, jeigu as nedaryciau to, ka noriu padaryti SMC (niekaip negaliu suvokti, kaip tai tureciau vadinti -projektu, kuriniu,veiksmu, darbu, videosrautu 3D ar tt.) Man svarbu tai, kad tuos fragmentus prikuriu ne tik popieriuje, (ne kaip paruosiamuosius eskizus) o gyvenu juos realiai. Pabandysiu keliais sakiniais nusakyti viena toki fragmenta (kaip tiksliau tokius prikurtus fragmentus pavadinti, dar neissiaiskinau) aprastas vakaras, kuri specialiai pabandziau nugyventi taip, kad jis taptu specialiai sukurtas mano prikuriamai biografijai. Todel pasistengiau pasiduoti visiskai neplanuotiems dalykams, o to vakaro atveju tai buvo paisdykavimas iki 6 h.ryto su muzika. Izanga – kursiokes isdazo man akis, prilipina dramatisko ornamento pseudotatuiruote, tada – vakarelis Mesiniu gatves klubelyje, i ranka štampas uzraso “goodwillpeople” – ir tai suteikia man vilciu, kad viskas einasi pagal plana. Tai, kas dabar galetu buti mano tikroji autobiografija, tera turbut tik neveikli stebetoja. Muzika atpalaiduoja, sviesos hipnotizuoja. Prisedes kazkoks salia kalbabuciuoja man i ausi. Sako, kad esas petras, ir as imu baisiai juoktis, nes tai tas pat, jeigu pasakytu esas lietuvis. Sakau, kad as tai aura, ir vel juokiuosi, nes tai turetu buti suprantama taip pat, kaip ir as supratau petra. Taigi – nemeluoju, bet pateikiu tai kaip mela – o tai ir yra arti to, ka as ir bandau padaryti su fiktyvia autobiografija. Nors …gali buti, kad tam tikra doze netiesos suveiktu kaip vienas is galimu autobiografijos variantu. Juk is esmes visa tai, ka kiti (manes nepazistantys) pasakys kaip mano biografijos faktus, bus tik ju interpretacija (lyg ir nemelas, bet lyg ir netiesa). Va, butent todel tas mano dirbtinai konstruotas autobiografijos fragmentas buvo naudingas dar ir tuo, kad atsirado galimybe praplesti rata zmoniu, kurie manes nepazista, ir su kuriais galiu naudingai sukontaktuoti, kurdama savo fiktyvia-nefiktyvia autobiografija. Minetas petras, su kuriuo susiderejau del emailo, cia man ir pravers. Dar idomus fragmentelis is tos nakties – sokam, atsisuku ir pamatau i save atidziai nukreipta videokamera; akimirka susiejau tai su savim – juk ir as tada save stebejau is salies, fiksavau savo veiksmus, bandydama issiaiskinti, ar yra taskai, kuriuose susikerta mano tikra biografija ir tas biografijos fragmentas, kuri tuo metu bandziau konstruoti. Naujo, autobiografijos tyrimui skirto spec-e-pašto koordinates zada jau sia savaite atsidurti laikrastelyje,o tada ir paciai bus aiskiau, iki ko tai gali nuvesti. Gali buti, kad nedaugelis susidomes pasiulymu sukurti biografija man, t.y.anonimiskai kompiuterinei pasto dezutei. Betkokiu atveju tai pravers (dabar sove i galva kunigo situacija -va cia tai biografiju kolekcionierius; pagalvojau apie virtualaus kunigo varianta, juk toks nuasmenintas (geraja sio zodzio prasme) kunigas ko gero butu gerokai arciau dievo.) Beje, tavo ideja apie virtualu kolombariuma ir Perry puslapis kazkaip galvoje sugeneravo internetini autobiografiju kluba, bet galbut ne atvira, o @ prieinama kolekcionavimo principu – pateiki savo autobiografija, tada gauni visu, kurie taippat pateike savo; lygiaverciai mainai.

Interneto dalyvavimas visoje aferoje – naujas zingsnis. Tuo paciu labai platus, nes butent internetinis identitetas dar n-uoju laipsniu pakelia fikcijos ir tikroves santykius. Pvz., as irgi turiu keleta e-pasto dezuciu internete ir, kiekviena karta ivesdamas duomenis, esu nuosirdus ir teisingas, rasydamas tikra savo varda ir pavarde. Bet tik irasius jie tampa fikcija, nes kas zino, at tai – pseudonimas ar ne. Taigi, labai idomu, kaip tiek kiti zmones praktiskai konstruos tavo biografija (ka, be abejones, jie daro ir siaip, tik neakivaizdziai) internete ar kitur. “Bandymas susikurti autobiografija yra keistai susijes su laisve” – si mintis tavo laiske pasirode labai idomi. Susikurti autobiografija – atsipalaiduoti nuo svetimu elementu, Kito, apsibrezti savo teritorija – taip gal ir atsiranda laisves potyris.
Rašai, kad “kuo realiau bandau pamatyti galutinio rezultato israiska, tuo labiau joje nematau nei savo vaikystes skaidres, nei apskritai saves.” Taip, juk save galima suvokti ir per kita zmogu (alter ego), kita vaizda, kita teksta. O kas yra ‘apskritai as’? Juk save suvoki tik per kita: tai ir yra minetas laisves pojutis, atsikratant kito elementu, individualizuojantis, arba atvirksciai – laisves pojutis atsikratant individualumo imperatyvu bei atributu ir pasineriant i kolektyvini identiteta (zr. futbolo cempionata). TV butybe save suvokia tik per kita TV butybe.
“Bet kokios autobiografijos, kaip teksto, turinys, vis delto, labai priklauso nuo to,nuo kokio tasko imu pasakoti ta autobiografija – ar nuo to, kur gimiau, ar nuo to, pas ka gimiau, ar nuo to, ka tada ir tada padariau, ir tt.”
Labai gera mintis. Jau spejau isivaizduoti 5 ar 6 TV monitorius, kuriuose sukasi skirtingai susidelioje tavo ab. Galima pagalvoti ir apie taskus is ateities (juk moksline fantastika tu megsti), nuo kuriu atskaiciuoti kazkuria ab versija. O gal nustatyti tuos kelis taskus – kiek ji asmeniski (tarkime, gimtis), bendralietuviski (tarkime, sausio 13), bendraeuropiniai (tarkime, berlyno siena zemyn), apvaliai bendrazmogiski (saule i virsu), etc. Ar tie taskai susije linijiskai ar tinkliskai? Kelios ab pateikiamos sinchroniskai – tai ir yra parelelizmas. Suskaidytas ir sinchronizuotas linijinis gyvenimo naratyvas. Kelios ab per pasisavintus vaizdus? Ab versijos, kurios susisieja ir kur galima patekti is vienos i kita: per vaizda, garsa, zodi, situacija, mizanscena? – Hipertekstinis ab principas: kliktelejus viena zodi atsiduri kitame tekste, siuo atveju, trumpame filme? … Daug minciu man sukele tavo mintis. (Beje, atrodo, pernai kino teatruose rode filma ‘Durys uzsidaro’, kur Gwyneth Paltrow nuvingiuoja skirtingomis tos pacios situacijos kreivemis paraleliai, nes vienoje versijoje spejo ilipti i trasporto priemone, kitoje – ne. Filmo, deja, nemaciau, bet girdejau rimtu pasakojimu.) Arba: prisiminkime reinkarancijos ir karmos teorijas apie kelis gyvenimus. Jeigu atsisakysime ju linijiskumo, galesime savo kitus gyvenimus suvokti sinchroniskai, paraleliai. T.y. kitus gyvenimus tu gyveni dabar. Tik kitoje vietoje ir kitame laike. Pvz., kartais galvoje isgirstu rusiska balsa kazka kalbanti apie futbola ir tai man siulo galvoti, kad esu futbolo treneris kazkur Rusijoje dabar (o gal 1962 m., tarkime). Bandydamas nubrezti savo paralelines autobiografijas turbut tureciau filmuoti futbolo treneri Rusijoje arba ji sukurti. Ir t.t. Jeigu turi laiko, paimk Terry Gilliamo filma “12 bezdzioniu” – paralelinio laiko ideja ten gerai susukta. Tavo dabartine ideja galetu buti tvirtas pagrindas praktinei tavo multi ab realizacijai. Internetine dalis, kuria uzmezgei, manau, cia taip pat galetu puikiai sudalyvauti. Tiek dabar. Rasyk kaip pakito savisamprata siomis dienomis.

Apie anonimiskuma ir pasto dezutes. Savo spec @dezute pavadinau manobiografija (idomu tai, kad bandydama dezute pavadinti “autobiografija”, aptikau, kad dezute tokiu pavadinimu jau egzistuoja @yahoo.de variante, taigi smalsumas neleidzia man nepasidometi, kodel kazkas va taip pavadino dezute-tereikia tik parasyti nelietuviska smalsu teksteli-klausima) o vietoj pavardes ir vardo ivedziau taip pat “manobiografija”. Jau turbut kartojuosi, sakydama, kad pavardes ir vardo neivedu saugaus atstumo sumetimais – nemanau, kad telefonu knygoje sunku rasti a.maknyte, taigi isvengsiu galimu nepageidautinu skambuciu (ieskant darbo (skelbimo laikrasty pagalba), teko nustebti keleto pilieciu telefoniniu ikyrumu.). Be to, yra dar viena man svarbi priezastis, kodel nenorejau deklaruoti savo vardopavardes -o butent todel, kad nenorejau ivardinti ir savo lyties – tiesiog buvo idomu, ar nuo tokio androginisko slapstymosi pasikeis rasanciojo poziuris ar santykis su dezute “manobiografija”. Vienas pavyzdelis – ieskodama internete autobiografiju pavyzdziu, susiduriau su tuo, kad tai beveik isimtinai vyruku autobiografijos. Manau, priezastis paprasta – tiesiog vyrukams techniskai lengviau ikandami kompiuterio labirintai (mano brolis kazkada sumaste (ir su juo beveik sutinku), kad moteriskems su kompiuteriais sunkiau susibendrauti del to, kad kompiuterius sukure vyrai, o ju logika (taigi ,ir kompiuterio smegenu logika) – visai kitokios strukturos, negu moteru.) Tai va, radusi internete vieno piliecio puslapi, pabandziau skaityti jo neitiketino ilgumo autobiografija. Pamaniau, kad rasyti jam nenuobodu, taigi mandagiai paprasiau sukurti nors trumpute biografija ir man. I tai jis atsake mazdaug :”sveikas, deja, neturiu laiko tokiems dalykams.”Taigi, jeigu ir butu sukures kazka, tai butu sukures vyruko varianta. Atrasiau jam, padekodama, kad nors perspejo nenoris tuo uzsiimti. Tada, suvokes, kad as ne “sveikas”, o “sveika”, atrase su viltim, kad kontaktas imanomas. Velniava. Turbut reikia susitaikyti su tuo, kad grynai dalykiskus kontaktus ivykdyti nera taip paprasta. Taigi, tavo mintis apie keitimosi principa santykiuose siuo atveju visiskai pasiteisina. Siaip idomu – niekada apie tai negalvojau, bet juk tikrai – santykiai ne keitimosi principu ko gero jau jokie santykiai . Turbut tik kokie debesys gali buti visiskai neutralus mano atzvilgiu, kai i juos ziuriu, bet paciam debesiui nuo to tai tikrai nei silta, nei salta, debesiui mano santykis su juo – joks santykis.
Griztant prie androginiskos pasto dezutes – jos patirtis, manau, man bus labiau naudinga pranesimui (ar kaip kitaip besivadinanciam antradienio dalykui), nors – laiko dar yra, todel , tikiuosi, pasto dezute pateiks man ir idomesniu dalyku. […]
Patiko tavo zodis “savisamprata”. Ir “kaip pakito savisamprata” agalvojau, ar visada savisampratai lemta keistis?Kazkaip islindo dar mokykloje kazkada istrigusi kazkokio turbut rasytojo fraze :”kuo atidziau stebi kitus, tuo geriau matai save” ar kazkaip panasiai. Ten dar lyg ir palyginimas buvo: zmogus -lyg veidrodis; tu ziuri i kita, o matai save. Pagalvojau dabar ir apie atsiskyreliu varianta – pabegimas nuo visu, ieskant saves. Kazkoks lyg ir nenoras ar meginimas nematyti saves kituose. Zodziu – didziule erdve visokioms mintims. Reikia nugyventi koki dešimtį gyvenimu (ar gal netgi “kartu”, kaip minetoje pasakoje), kad butu paprasciau susivokti savo savisampratoje (o gal kuo toliau i miska, tuo daugiau medziu…). Tiesa, apie daug gyvenimu. Tau, kaip futbolo treneriui, galiu pasakyti, kad dar gyvendama Sirvintose, buvau isitikinus, kad savo kazkelintame gyvenime buvau laukinis zirgas… Idomu, kad girdi kazkokius zodzius. Idomu – gal galva kartais gali veikti kaip radio (o gal ir kaip TV ) imtuvas. Ne karta esu save pagavus, kad reikiama kanala ijungiu tiksliai tuo metu, kai ten yra rodoma tai, kas man ypac reikalinga. Kazkokia TV intuicija, o gal tik sutapimas. Kas zino… O, beje, mano sunus seniau yra aiskines :”kazkada, kai buvau mergaite, galejau save matyti…” Tada bandziau klausineti smulkiau, bet tik tiek ir liko aisku, kad kazkada, kai jis buvo mergaite, galejo save matyti, dar sake, kad tada gal neturejo mamos, o tik mociute. Keista visa tai. Apie galvojima “non stop” (tikrai taikliau to negalima pavadinti, nei tavo laiske – “smegenu saviveikla”…) Paprastai muzika man negelbeja, taigi pries miega perbegu pulteliu per visas TV programas, surandu pati nuobodziausia filma, kuris pageidautina, kad butu ipusejes, ziuriu i ta filma, ir kai jau ziuriu ne i filma, o tik i ekrana -tada nuobodulys isjungia makaule. 100 g mane dazniausiai suveikia atvirksciai, o ypac daugiau nei 100 g atpalaiduoja kazkokias minciu lavinas, kurios dazniausiai buna per daug chaotiskos, kad butu vertingos. Taigi istikruju mano saldytuve visada esantis vynas patenkina tik mano, kaip smaliziaus poreikius, nes tai – isimtinai saldus desertinis vynas.
[…] Supratau, kad ab man tampa per daug idomus dalykas, kad padariusi visa tai rudeni, pasideciau tai i stalciu. Tai tampa man tiesiog AB, ir zinau, kad kazkokiu pavidalu tai vel padarysiu po kokio desimtmecio, o tada – turbut vel po kokio desimtmecio , o tada ir vel , ir vel -kol pati sau nenusibosiu ar ikyresiu. Nes jau dabar visas tas ab procesas skleidziasi per daug placiai, kad tilptu i viena konkretu pavidala viename konkreciame laike. Koks desimtmetis, tikiuosi, subrandins dar ir tai, tai, del ko dabar kuri laika spardziausi, nenoredama imtis siemet realizuoti ab. Taigi dabar dar ir pati emiau smalsauti – kaip gi visa tai (ab) padaryciau po dešimties metu santykyje su tuo, ka padarysiu dabar – o juk aisku, kad po to dešimties metu viska daryciau gerokai kitaip – va cia tai ir prasideda visi darymo (“kuryba” cia man kazkaip itartinai skamba ) idomumai.

Rasei apie 5-6 tavo matomus monitorius, o as va savo godziu zvilgsniu buvau pamacius iki desimties… Ko gero, kuo daugiau monitoriu, tuo maziau susireiksmina juose rodomos ab (jei liktu tik 2 monitoriai, tai, ko gero svarbiausia pasidarytu sureiksmintas santykis tarp komunikuojanciu ab, o likes erdveje vienas monitorius turbut kesintusi i vienintelio teisuolio titula). Manau, kad monitoriai turi stoveti taip, kad neleistu suvokti, nuo kurio monitoriaus pradeti ziureti (kiekvienas monitorius turetu pateikti savo pradzia ir pabaiga), nes kol kas manau, kad kiekvienas monitorius turi pateikti skirtinga ab varianta(skirtinga tasku, nuo kurio kiekviena prasideda ir todel skirtingai vyniojasi). Taigi tai, ko gero, turetu buti lyg ir kvadratu (tikrai ne i eilute) isdelioti monitoriai (galbut po 2, orientuojantis i tarpus tarp kolonu arba tu tarpu projekcijas sienose). […] Santykis tarp visu ab monitoriuose – neisvengiamai butinas.

Kaip sekasi?

[…] Programele video montazui gavau, toji prigijo prie mano kompo beveik be problemu, dabar kaifuoju prie monitoriaus su tokia veido israiska 🙂
(na, turbut ne be reikalo ant programos dekliuko buvo uzrasyta “pozdravliajem VAS s UDACNOJ POKUPKOJ!!!)) Jauciuosi fantastiskai (vos ne dieviskai…), ir pagalvojau – jeigu dievas tikrai sukure pasauli per savaite, tai jis turbut turejo kompiuteri. O turint galvoje tai, kad tai, kas vyksta aplinkui, kartais nelabai panasu i tikrove (ar tikruma), tai manau, kad ir programos tame pasaulio kurimo kompe turbut buvo tos, kurios dabar jau prieinamos kiekvienam… Velniskai palankus laikmetis. Siaip jauciuosi kazkaip nerealiai, ta prasme, kad jauciuosi kaip kazkieno sapnas. Aplinka irgi kazkaip virtualeja. Vis lengviau isijauciu i savo ab ne kaip i projekta, o butent kaip i tikra ab. As pati, kaip ta aurelija, kuria galima paciupineti realiai, tesu tik kazkoks irankis, fiksuojantis virtualios (nors turetu buti kazkoks tikslesnis zodis tokio pobudzio nerealumui nusakyti) aurelijos tikraja ab. Procesas lyg ir aiskus – ab igauna vizualu pavidala. (Kol kas tas minetas irankis dantis sukandes kovoja su technologinem montavimo subtilybem…).